DILEMMA: Who Will Rescue DP Ruto’s ‘Fucked-Up’ Communication Team?

Hilarious!
By Jim B via FB

We are ready to discourse about DP William Ruto. But Ruto must first reorganize and reconstitute his communication team and bring on board people with brains.

He should borrow a leaf from Raila and Uhuru. When the two gentlemen knew they gonna go against each other mundukhumundu in 2013, they hired spokesmen.

Uhuru picked Munyori Buku, a drunk who had been doing his bidding at NMG while Mr Odinga went for Ivy League Dennis Onyango, a hawkeyed editor at standard who was once picked by Moi’s special branch from the newsroom and kept incommunicado without food or women before they released him; of course after using his balls as stepping stones.

Uhuru never stopped there. He wanted to dominate the narrative online. So he collected Dennis Itumbi, a crooked blogger, to do the dirty work for him. The rest is history.

Ruto’s Comms team is trash he called from media. Munira Muhammad is not known to be the brightest lamp in the media industry. Only Ruto knows why he picked her.

Immanuel Talam, his spokesman, is the most clueless spindoctor to ever work for a deputy president. He should be binned. Talam should go back to TV and report mews.

But there is nowhere Ruto fairs badly like on social media. Ruto doesn’t have brainy defenders. Kiborek Reuben doesn’t want to kick asses like he did in the past for the hustler because he is eyeing being a Mogotio MP. Goodluck brother.

Steve K Steve is withdrawn these days. His posts majors on philosophy. A sign that all isn’t right. The other lady who was very vocal about the DP got screwed by a politician who gives no shit, became pregnant and went underground.

The remaining nitwits who pretend to defend Ruto are clueless vagabonds. They’re illiterate and ignorant. And they’re pieces of shit tryna get the DP’s attention.

Itumbi and Pauline Njoroge been tryna be nice to Ruto. We know Itumbi wants to go into politics while Pauline is a slayer. The two musketeers are spent forces.

Or maybe Itumbi may consider going back to his hacking business. He hacked ICC website and went ahead to hack Jacque Maribe’s server.

Who is next on his hit-list?

Meanwhile Onyango Junior adds:

I will bypass this hot topic of Ruto’s dangerously disorganized run-off-the-mill communications team and instead take the ball right where it belongs. William Ruto himself is so bitter that he behaves like a bullied child with a tattered self esteem. The problem with William Ruto’s communication is therefore WILLIAM RUTO himself. You can’t brand bitterness, spite, antipathy, ill will, malevolence, vindictiveness, vitriol, virulence et cetera.

I will remind you of a recent incident this week in Kenol,Murang’a when they were from Matiba’s rural requiem. Ruto told the crowd “Mnaona hatujaleta vitandawili, sisi tunaleta kazi na ndio maana hata yule jama wa vitendawili hatatuona 2022…bla bla bla”, when it got to Uhuru’s turn, he was displeased and didn’t hide his displeasure when he said “Na ndio maana nilitafuta ndugu yangu Raila tufanye Kazi ya kuunganisha wakenya. Wacha siasa bwana chapa kazi, uchaguzi sio leo ama kesho…bla bla bla” while interjecting with heavy doses of kikuyu. The same replayed in Waitithie and Githurai.

That said, even the best salesman, marketing scientist or any PR guru worth his salt will tell you this hate in Ruto is so poisonous that it chokes both meant to brand him plus Ruto himself. What does Ruto stand for? what are his values and philosophy? What can we identify him with? What comes to your mind immediately the name Ruto is mentioned? As you attempt to answer those questions, put yourself in the hands of those uninspiring rattled mediocres manning his communication.

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I Have A Problem With Slay King Husbands Bragging Around Yet Their Wives And Kids Look Miserable

Muranga Woman Rep Hon Sabina Chege, mama County. Photo Courtesy

I have a problem with Slay King Husbands… The type who slay outside but their wives and kids look like mathogodhanio back at home.

The men who chafua meza over weekends while mama watoto and the tots have eaten skuma kavu …

Niggas who give hoes 5k for salon while their wives strut around the estates with matutas and mlazo za 150

Men who wear boutique attire when wives borrow shoes from chama mates…

Men who eat fish at Ranalo, Nyama Choma at Njoroge’s and left 40bob for lunch at home or even family is busy hunting for cheap Monkey meat in Muranga

Weaklings who pay school fees at an academy for a Mpango wa kando’s child while his children walk for miles to attend city Council schools, and they do so with torn uniforms.. I loath you with passion.

When was the last time you took your wife out even for chips and soda? Yet you gallivant around town with some yellow yellow dumb ass…

I have no problem with men sampling other cuisines… These things must be sampled… But if you do so at the expense of the woman who forsook all others and bore you kids then you are a piece of shit!

Not all wives are financially independent, please, your pride as a man lies in your family. If you get sick, that woman will wash your vomit, not the niggas you throw rounds for, not the slay Queens you religiously entertain… If it is within your means, make sure your wife and children are catered for. Put them first.

Some have left their wives ushago and only visit during December hols. They send peanuts yet they never miss Ohangla where they leave with a new woman every weekend. Wives go be jo peng ndukonegi proper, dhako ok diel madhoge mapiny chamo ochok.

They’re all over Facebook being petty when their wives are in misery. They cannot give even 1k and tell the wife, shuka nywele or nunua suruali my dear, bibi amechapa kama nunu ya cougar , watoto wameparara na jamaa hakosi mugithi.

You see these women you admire out here, they don’t have diamond crusted vaginas, they’re no different from your wives. Clean up your woman, cheat because you want to change diet but not because these women are packaged more enticingly, package your own!

Then these housewives pia waache kukaa ndee, hata hawaogi. Kazi ni kusengenya majirani and watching soaps… Nitawashughulikia later.

Game ya kesho mlisema tuione wapi? I’m a Red Devil and can’t wait to see Wenger humiliated one last time.

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STRESSED DP Ruto Advised To Resign From Government To Avoid High Blood Pressure, Mt Kenya Mafia Started To Betray Him

By C A Luanda Magere

I am going to be William Ruto’s advisor this once, then I return to my role as Baba’s left hand man!

Dear Chicken Seller Emeritus,

You must resign from government! Ok, that was too fast, let me start from the beginning.

From March 2013 to October 2017, you and “ndugu yangu Uhuru Kenyatta” appeared everywhere together. Practically every function! Small or big. If Uhuru wanted to go check on his trees in Gatundu, you would tag along like a tail. The jury is still out on whether you followed him to the washrooms too, seeing as the man takes very unCatholic drinks, and is a frequent visitor to the small rooms. Some say you were obsessed with following the President around so that he wouldn’t find time to engage with folks with unRuto ideologies. I don’t know.

But you must resign from government!

Anyway, after the October 2017 sham election, you had not been seen together in public, except when seeing him off at the airport on his foreign trips, until the Matiba funeral service at All Saints Cathedral. Let me not beat about the bush. You should have avoided the service! Those of us with a deep understanding of security and protocol matters immediately realised something: Your arrival threw presidential security into a spin because they were not expecting you! You arrived after the president (in some countries, such a massive protocol hitch would get you fired on the spot) because his team had not informed you of his program. You actually gatecrashed the function! When you walked in, the handshake between you the President was as cold as ice. Casual and minus eye contact. It was repeated later when you invited him to speak. He grabbed your hand as he passed you on the way to the microphone, like NGO people greet the hands of villagers lining up for flood-relief blankets in my village. He didn’t even bother to thank “ndugu yangu William” when he spoke, like he did in all the preceeding five years! In a way, they assumed the function was an aristocratic thing out of your depth.

You surely must resign from serikali.

Next day in Muranga, the message was clear. By the way, if you left Kakamega to Muranga by helicopter, in this weather, stop that habit! You are giving people ideas! Anyway, you clearly were desperate to get there because Tinga would be there and would steal the limelight (by the way, TV cameras captured that moment you nudged Governor Wa Iria to go stop any more Tinga words “for the interest of time”). But two things were said, among many. Tinga said “we are no interested in 2022” and Kamwana said “hata watu pande yangu wanatuchimba chini chini”. They were talking about you! It is interesting, everyone knows the system has no more use for you, except YOU. You are like that man whose wife is sleeping with the shamba boy, and everyone in the village knows, except the man!

You must resign from government!

In the history of Kenya, every single Vice President has suffered untold humiliation. From Jaramogi to Kalonzo. Some were slapped like drums on the highway. Some had to watch government machinery get deployed to help someone else become President as they served. The only serving VP to ever succeed the President was Moi, and that took a massive stroke of luck, and death! If you imagine you are going to run a campaign against the system while serving as DP, then you are more naive than a chicken and should be sold by the roadside, to help create the next chicken billionaire! Sorry, I couldn’t avoid that one! If the system has chosen to betray you, they are actually happy when you stay on as DP! It makes their work easier. State guards, state resources, state structures…the works. As long as you continue serving as DP, you are under state control and can’t even speak up about your own betrayal.

The people who control power have decided you are not the one. To fight them for your space, your only chance is to leave government and run a poor people’s revolution. You will not stay in government and criticise the “children of privilege” while your boss is one, his handshake partner is another, and their guns supplier is a third. Your campaign can only be effective outside sirikal. You must fashion 2022 as the liberation of Kenya, by popular revolt, from the rich Lords of Impunity. You see you allowed the disenfranchisement of Kenyans to become policy, where votes don’t count, as long as the IEBC Chair declares the system man the winner. No matter what numbers you think you can raise, it won’t matter, because the dynasties will have the IEBC chair declare their winner! In short, your path to State House is NOT through the ballot. And the longer you stay on as DP, the slimmer your chances of leading a popular revolt get.

But there is a problem. The system allowed you to pick something here, something there, something everywhere! You don’t know it yet, but that is why your betrayal became so easy! The day you resign and start speaking the language of revolt, you will be hauled to court and be charged with 700 counts of theft and corruption. I guarantee you, the files are on someone’s desk just waiting (remember how the President recently consolidated his arrest and prosecutorial powers by fixing his people there?). Which basically means my advice may mean nothing really. You won’t leave government, and you won’t be allowed to be President. I think you should start singing Paulo na Sila waliombaaaa….

Oh, about that small matter of “lazima watalipa deni”, I have read Raila Odinga’s Flame of Freedom and Koffi Annan’s Interventions. They both narrate how you came to the mediation meetings every morning complaining bitterly how the police were shooting too many people in the RV. The media and NIS may have given prominence to attacks on Kikuyus by Kalenjins, but it is fair to say the police largely had the situation under control and the war was going to be contained even without the accord. And given 15 full years after that, it is silly to assume the Rift Valley Kikuyu have been sitting around waiting for another session to be used as target practice. The ammunition that will respond to those arrows will make these current rains seem like a rehearsal.

My advice is, resign from government, go look for Raila Odinga and drag him out of government, go look for Hassan Joho too, then together, bring the house down in a massive crash! Any other way, you will be watching State House on TV the way househelps watch Ramsey Noah all day in those Nigerian witchcraft movies!

For more of such real advice, your people know how to reach me, and I cannot confirm or deny that a few million shillings my way will make me tell your story nicely, like white Kano cotton!

Erowa.

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PANIC: GSU Recce Officer Attached to IEBC Commissioner Paul Kurgat Shot Dead In Nairobi, Unclear Circumstances

Panic has hit IEBC after unconfirmed reports indicated that a GSU Police officer attached to commissioner Dr Paul Kurgat was gunned down in unclear circumstances last night in Nairobi. The attackers stole his firearm. The incident happened along Thika Road near GSU headquarters.

Commissioners Kurgat resigned last week together with IEBC vice chair Connie Nkatha-Maina and Commissioner Margret Mwachanya. Commission Chairman Wafula Chebukati however dismissed the purported resignation saying it was not done formally as per laid down procedures.

Politicians across the political divide have called upon the entire Chebukati led commission to resign to pave way for a fresh commission to be put in place as part of the Friday 9th March agreement between PM Raila Odinga and President Uhuru Kenyatta.

This report piece was first reported at KenyaLiveNews.Com

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Finally, MP Shah Hospital Releases The Body Of Matilda Onyango, Revises The Bill From Sh850K To 25K

The family of the woman who succumbed to her injuries at MP Shah Hospital paid Sh25,000 after the hospital ‘revised’ the initial ‘interim’ bill of Sh850,000. Daniel Moro, the elder brother of the deceased Matilda Anyango, said that the hospital agreed to release the body after receiving the payment.

“I first went to the hospital on Tuesday after being called to witness the postmortem conducted by the government pathologist. Later, I was told I could take the body but delays in the system saw the clearance office close for the day before we could finalise the process,” Mr Moro said.

“I was told to go back on Wednesday where upon arrival I was directed to the CEO’s office, asked how much we had, told them we were only able to raise the Sh25,000. I was told to pay what we had and take away the body,” he said adding that they later transferred Matilda’s body to Chiromo mortuary.

In a statement released on Wednesday, the private hospital said the family was now free to collect her body for burial.

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Nairobi Deputy Governor Hopeful Agnes Kagure Joins Anti-Sonko Camp, Wants Nairobi Gov. Prosecuted

Agnes Kagure Kariuki one of the shortlisted candidates for the Nairobi County Deputy Governor seat has now joined a cocktail of cartels who are fighting Governor Mike Sonko.

Kagure has now enlisted the services of an amorphous group calling itself “Bunge La Mwananchi” who want Governor Sonko to be removed from office and prosecuted for allegedly flying the national flag on his official vehicles.

Through “Bunge La Mwananchi”, Kagure and her godfathers have combined forces to frustrate Sonko’s administration after previous efforts to sabotage City Hall failed.

According to intelligence sources, Kagure has now hired the services of desperate political activist Henry Namiti Shitanda who also doubles as his boyfriend to ensure Governor Sonko is out of office before 2022.

Shitanda and Kagure are part of a dangerous land grabbing cartel in the city and the duo are facing several land grabbing and forgery cases in the courts.

Sources indicate Sonko has already dropped Kagure from the list of 22 shortlisted candidates for the vacant post of deputy governor after she turned out to be a fraudster following several court cases facing her that have now been highlighted by the media.

Kagure’s degree from Chiang Mai Rajabhat University has already been disowned by the Thailand based institution. “This is to state that Agnes Kagure Kariuki is not a graduate of Bachelor of Arts from this university. According to our records, the aforementioned individual does not appear in our graduation list of 2014 as purported in your inquiry letter.” The letter reads.

Kagure has been in the limelight over the past two months since Nairobi Governor Mike Sonko started shopping around for a deputy governor to replace Polygarp Igathe, who resigned in January, a few months into the job, citing frustration. Kagure has been touted in some quarters as a frontrunner for the job and she has been taunting her success in insurance and business as part of her CV. But her past is returning to haunt her after the skeletons began falling from her cupboard.

Kagure has been embroiled in fierce ownership disputes over three prime pieces of land in Nairobi that have found their way to the High Court, therefore casting doubts at her integrity. While she claims to own expensive pieces of land/property in Nairobi, her returns at KRA do not support the figures involved, an indication of underhand dealings.
Her tax returns indicate that she only remitted a total of Ksh154,507 between 1996 and 2017, according to the Star report, despite claiming to have spent hundreds of millions in some of her investments.

She, for instance, claims to have bought the house of the late Bryan Robson for Sh100 million cash in 2011 in Karen, one of the disputes she is fighting in court, although she does not have a receipt. Robson died in 2012 and Kariuki transferred the property to herself in 2014. Roger Bryan Robson, a single man and Kenyan citizen aged 71 years, had made a will in 1997, leaving his estate to relatives and charitable organisations in Kenya involved with environment, wildlife, health and education.

Lawyer Guy Elms, the executor of the estate, tried to pass the Sh500 million estate to the Kenya Wildlife Service and the Kenya Forestry Service but Agnes Kariuki laid claim saying she had bought the Karen property for Sh100 million in 2011, while the old man was still living there. The National Land Commission has, however, disowned her sale documents.

In September 2017, NLC also disowned a conveyancing document filed by Kagure in a land tussle case over a parcel of land in Umoja area, terming it as an “outright forgery.”

Kagure is also embroiled in another property dispute in Umoja area and her businesses do not file tax retains. At some point in 2016 she applied for a certificate to own a firearm, claiming that she handled a lot of cash from her businesses which included Antonio’s Grill, Dynamic Mini Mart, Consolata Pharmacy and The Insurance Consulting Group.

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BREAKING HANDSHAKE: Governor Charity Ngilu Visits H E Raila Odinga For A Handshake

Glad to receive a courtesy call from @mamangilu who's rise to Governor has inspired a whole generation of young women, that they can achieve anything they put their minds to and that the glass ceilings of the past are being shattered one after the other pic.twitter.com/OqXuyz6bCr

— Raila Odinga (@RailaOdinga) April 27, 2018

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